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For most Americans the presidential campaign has become a farce.  Almost every minority is represented – the oldest, the older, and the junior upstart.  Estrogen and testosterone duke it out in a seemingly 24/7 battle that is gut-wrenchingly nasty at its worst and a huge political joke at its best.  None of the candidates stay on point as they have yet to inform us of what their particular point is.  These antics and pathetic attempts to win our favor and thereby our votes beg the question of exactly what does a person need to do to become President of the United States.            According to Article Two of the constitution a person considering running for president must be at least 35 years old, a natural born citizen of the United States, and must have resided in the United States for at least fourteen years.  Experience has taught us that these basic requirements only allow you to “fill out the application” but does not tell Mr., Ms. or Mrs. American citizen how to become President of the United States.            To effectively mount a successful presidential campaign you have to possess the wisdom of foresight.  From the time you were old enough to make any independent decisions you had to weigh the effect those decisions would have 20 or 30 years down the road as there was always someone taking notes.  You had to be a kind, generous, considerate and respectful child no matter how traumatic your family situation may have been.  You had to be god-fearing from a very early age and learn what memberships would work most favorably for your future aspiration.              In order to be considered a serious contender you had to pay extra close attention to the content of all school curriculums, and choose college courses carefully after doing research on all of your professors.  Their political stances and your association with them could prove costly in your future campaign if they ran contrary to those of any mainstream contingent.   From your very early religious experiences you would have had to “decode” all teachings and sermons lest there be some hidden subversive message hidden in the delivery.  You would have to have been extremely judicious in your selection of childhood friends, college roommates and neighbors because at any point during your campaign these relationships may surface.  Woe unto the candidate whose senior high school locker partner had a distant relative currently serving time in some penal institution for a RICO or sex crime.             As an adult your personal and intimate relationships had to have always passed muster; that is to say they had to have all been gender appropriate, age appropriate and no divorces resulting from indiscreet dalliances.  The don’t ask, don’t tell rule does not apply when it comes to having what it takes to become President of the United States as there will always be someone who will ask because there was someone taking notes.  You have to be married when you declare your candidacy.  This will present an acceptably wholesome image to the American public, a symbol of family values.    If you don’t have children you will be compelled to explain why.  A first dog is acceptable.  A first cat isn’t.              In order to become President of the United States it will be necessary for you to master the technique of double speak so that liberals and conservatives alike will be able to decipher your message.  You will have to learn the subtle art of feigning ignorance so that when the faux pas occurs you will have an excuse for misspeaking.  You will have to study some of the finest theatrical speeches ever made to learn the art of persuasion.  Old reruns of the West Wing,  Bill Pullman’s very presidential speech in Independence Day, Joe Pesci’s impassioned pleas to the college poobahs in With Honors and Al Pacino’s delivery in Scent Of a Woman all come to mind.              If you want to become President of the United States you will have to look good, smile good, smell good and think on your feet and not how much your feet hurt.  You need to know the bible, and be able to quote everyone from Plato to Shakespeare to Robert Heinlein to Erma Bombeck to a veritable who’s who in politics.                Suffice it to say in order to become President of the United States you need to be a squeaky clean, reverent armadillo without coming off like an arrogant, obnoxious porcupine.  If you can manage this then they, the American public will like you.  They will really, really like you and their votes will tell you that you have what it takes to become President of the United States.   ©2008 Marsha Dean WalkerAll rights reserved